Close But No Cigar (Part II)

I was just coming off of a very successful tour and the first real one of our band's still very young career. I was feeling bright and airy about the future. I didn't take that mouse falling as any bad sign. After all God has never really spoken to me in that fashion. It's always been in a much more subtle fashion so I didn't think much of it. However, I ended up only playing one more show with that band. Haymaker straight to my unclenched jaw. Life, which only months prior was so loving to me, just sent me to the mat unconscious.  It's not worth getting into why I'm no longer in the band since we're all still very good friends; so why dig up an event that none of us likes to think about? But by mid-February I was no longer doing something I loved and something I had so much of my heart and dreams invested in. Right before it really ramped up. Right before we flew to Europe for a tour. Close but no cigar. This life event sent me into my first real bout with depression. I thought I had experienced it before but now but, because of this instance, I now know I have and I never want to go back there. It didn't help that it was winter and it didn't help that I didn't have a job. Many days I would get out of bed just to go to the living room, curl back up in a blanket and just watch Netflix until it got dark and then just went back to bed.

The Year of Close But No Cigar raged on with a lot of things in my life. I eventually got a job working construction for a few months and then a job as a barista at a bakery. They paid the bills and weren't awful, but they weren't anything exciting really. I turned 24 years old in April, officially in my mid-20s and what did I have to show for it. At that point I was single, poor, and working a part time job. If you know me any kind of well you know my real only definition of "success" in my life would be to have a family, a wife and kids, and be able to provide for them. It may seem like a life-given, and a basic and attainable thing but that's what I want. My love life has always been very up and down and has only resulted in one real relationship in my adulthood. 2014 was no different. I went on dates, I talked to girls and I thought I was close to something a few times. I guess just close but no cigar.

Then I got an offer from my friends in The Color Morale to go on Warped Tour with them to sell merch. I jumped at the opportunity because I love touring so much no matter what job I have while out on the road. I love Warped Tour and this summer was a shining light in an otherwise dark year. But even this light was fairly dim. As much as I loved the tour and the summer, everyday was riddled with what could of been. Mainly because on the tour was the band I used to play in. I was on Warped again but not in the fashion I thought I would be. At the Cincinnati date I joined them on stage and performed a song called "Dead." Realistically the oldest song we had as a band. I realize now that this was a turning point in my year. As I write this I'm struck with how symbolic the title of the song is. Dead were the the things I did the year before. Not a despicable death but finally laying them to rest. I wasn't immediately cured of all poor feelings because, as most deaths, there is a mourning period. And if you really loved something it will always be with you surfacing every so often. But my negative feelings and sadness were beginning to lift. Life may have knocked me down but I was starting to pick myself up off the mat.

While I was out for the summer the lease on my place back home ran out and Jesse and my dad moved us out of our place and put all of my things into a storage unit. For the next four months I lived on peoples couches and out of my car. I can't thank God enough for putting people into my life that would let me do this. I am very blessed. However, over this four month period that felt like an eternity, I was constantly looking for places to live. No matter what house I found, though, things kept falling through. Whether it was more expensive than I thought, whether it was in a worse neighborhood than I thought, whether it was smaller than I thought, or even whether if one of my potential roommates had to bail, something kept getting in the way of moving into a new place.

This was not my first time living by the grace of my friends so I was very aware that I could learn a lot from this season in my life. Once I got beyond the bitterness of yet another roadblock in me achieving anything desirable in this mess of a year things started looking up. I made it my goal to get my mind to a place that wasn't hinging on the circumstances in my life. It's funny how my life the past three years has centered around revelations surrounding this verse:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." - Proverbs 3: 5-6

I was reading a portion of Donald Miller's book, "Father Fiction," the other day. He goes into the loving nature of God our father. With the analogy of our earthly fathers relating to their children. Just because a child wants something does not mean it is good for him. Just because I asked my dad for a plate of chocolate chip cookies doesn't mean he had to give them to me. And if I disobeyed and reached up myself he would more than likely slap my hand away. Not because he's mean or doesn't love me but because he knows if I eat a whole batch of chocolate chip cookies I would soon be ralphing it all up from a sugar overkill. And if I was able to sneak one behind his back and he found out then I was for sure headed for time out. This whole year was full of me asking God for things, and wondering why he kept teasing me with these things and taking them away from me. When I really look back he wasn't teasing. He tried to remove these things in my life that were not good for me and I still pursued them and was able to get close to them myself. Until ultimately, when my hand got close to the cookies, he would slap my hand back.

Those punches I thought I was taking this year were just his guiding hand slapping me back into place. And some of these dark times I went through was me just being put into time out. I always forget this and have to relearn it when I come back to these adversities, but sometimes God needs to cut off some of the branches from your tree of life because they are detrimental to your well being. It will hurt, it can be seemingly catastrophic but it is to remove the things infecting you.

I have a really great job now that I never thought I would be doing and could never do if I was still touring. That's not to say I'll never go on the road again because who really knows but I'm stable now. I live in a nice place with two of my very good friends and I'm comfortable now. I'm happy again. It's been a long year and a dark one a that. I learned a lot about myself and how strong I can be. I can never thank God or my friends and family enough for helping me through this past year and putting up with me. I'm not ready to throw a return punch yet but I'm not laying on the mat anymore.

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thessalonians 5: 18

Thank you and God bless.

Close But No Cigar (Part I)

I learned how to take a punch considerably early in my life. And, in a weird way, for that I am thankful. Not because I knew that I could fight or defend myself; if I never have to take or throw a punch ever again I'll be eternally grateful. But more so for the fact that it taught me that pain, for the most part, is temporary. And it taught me that something that could be so loving could, in an instant, knock you down. This past year has been one haymaker of a punch after another. Thankfully not in the literal form, however that, more than likely, would be an easier occurrence to deal with.

One of my best friends, Jesse, has this tradition for New Year's. It's not anything he can control, and it's not something he does, but it's an overwhelming feeling that washes over him. Every year, either on New Year's Eve or the week leading up to it he gets some sort of sign of a name or title for the year to come. You could say it's more of a theme of how the year will be laid out. In the past he had a year named, "The Year of Flight." Subsequently, that year he flew all over the country, traveling a lot in order to visit a ton of family and friends he hadn't seen in quite some time. Another year the year was named "The year of Unexpected Surprises." This year his whole life changed when he got offered an amazing job 2,000 miles away from home. So knowing this about him, and how the years almost always played out the way he would prophesy, I decided I would open myself up to a name for the upcoming year. Now these years are not always good obviously, because who's life is actually like that? So almost half and half Jesse has had both optimistic and ominous year monickers. For instance, "The Year of Sickness and Loneliness," was a year in which he battled many illnesses, physical and mental, all while being miles and miles away from anyone he grew up with or was intimately close to.

With that knowledge in hand I still sought after a banner to live under for the next year. Usually these names come to you as signs, in our case, passed down from God. I know some of you reading this might not believe in a God or a christian God or whatnot, but just pretend its the universe passing down these signs, or however you choose to interpret these supernatural occurrences. But it's after long periods of prayer with God in which you are talking with him about the last year of your life and discussing the impending uncertainty of the year lying before you. I prayed to God earnestly. I tried to be optimistic and turn His influence of the new year's title to something good for me. I had a very intense prayer session the night before New Year's Eve in an attempt to open up my eyes to whatever signs were going to come my way. My friend received his sign for the year of flight after he was driving and praying for the name of the new year and witnessed a hawk fly across the front of his car and almost hit his windshield and new that was his sign. I left the next morning after my night of prayer to run some errands before the festivities of the day got underway. And, I kid you not, right when I turned onto the main street near the house me and Jesse shared I saw this hawk swoop down over my car. It flew across the street hovering not much higher than the vehicles on the street and turned and headed the same direction as my car. It flew inches off the grass of the front lawns of the houses lining the road. It was keeping right in time with me and, as responsibly as I could while driving, I just watched him intently. Then all of the sudden if reached down and snagged a mouse right out of the grass and began to fly off with it.

At this point I was considerably pleased with what this meant for my year. God had used the same sign he used with my friend but this time in an even more forceful manner. The band I was in was beginning to take off and we had tours already scheduled all over the world for 2014. I knew God was showing me that my year was going to be full of flying all over the place and grabbing life by its meat and not letting go. Then, in the split second that my human brain could process all this, in the middle of all my elation, the hawk dropped the mouse. It must've not had a firm grip on it and it just fell right from it's claws. My heart sank a little. However, life was looking good, and there was still a hawk flying with my car, a sign that made for a positive looking year. I just felt sad for the hawk and said to myself, "Close but no cigar." Man if I just knew I was naming my year.

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Part II of this blog will be coming later tonight.

Thank you and God bless.

POZ Road Blog: Beartooth (Update IV)

I did a series of Road Blogs for Property Of Zack on our tour with August Burns Red, Bless The Fall, and Defeater. Here's the fourth installment:

I know what you’re thinking, where was week four’s update?? Or, who is Beartooth?? Or, why am I reading something written by the bassist?? I’ll address the first of these because the other two hurt too much. Now, I turn these tour journals in on Thursdays. As many of you may know, for the majority of readers of Property Of Zack, and for all of its staff, last Thursday was our Thanksgiving Day. A day in which society shuts down to embark on a certain path of uncomfortable feasting with family and friends. Which eventually ends in a tryptophan endured coma. And there’s not much Americans enjoy more than a good excuse to not work and to, instead, indulge. S0 I have a lot to catch you up on. But don’t fret short attention spans; I’ll keep it brief… maybe.

Last week was luckily spent amongst many family and friends seeing as how we spent the majority of it in the good ole Midwest. We had the immense privilege to play House of Blues Chicago two nights in a row and they were some of the most enjoyable shows of this tour so far. Plus it didn’t hurt that we all had a lot of friends and family that just so happened to be in the city at that time so it made it feel that much more comfortable. But it paled in comparison to actually going back to our home state, which we did right after Chicago. 

It’s always great playing back at home on tour and we were able to play there twice in the same week. We happened to be scheduled to play Toronto, ON, CA on actual Thanksgiving Day. And it turned out that we had an off day between Cincinnati and Cleveland. So we coordinated with our vocalist, Caleb’s, parents and set up a big Thanksgiving feast back in our hometown of Columbus. The whole Defeater camp and a few stragglers from August Burns Red and Bless The Fall’s groups were able to make the trip up with us and joined in on the good time. It was two nights and a day filled with gluttony and ping-pong.

Be careful not to blind yourselves from the glare off my Father’s dome piece on the left there. Immediately after the Feast we had a show in Cleveland that was a good end-cap to our three days home. It was a little difficult to leave after sleeping in my own bed again but we had/have the rest of tour to finish up. Plus it made it easier that the day after our Cleveland show just so happened to be in Michigan on the Wednesday before the Ohio State vs. Michigan game. If you don’t like sports, football, or aren’t American I can understand you not having any idea what I’m talking about. However, to us Ohio and Michigan residents that tiny little football game means a great deal of pride. So our guitarist, and my stage right companion, Kamron, Elliot from Bless The Fall, and myself decided to have a little fun with Michigan and put our sporting dominance on display.

(It was Movember, don’t judge me by my moustache.) Luckily people that are really into music usually aren’t that into sports so I don’t think we alienated too many people with our brazen Ohio State “patriotism” behind enemy lines.

This was the last of our American shows before we headed up to Canada for two shows, in Toronto and Montreal. These shows were some of the biggest and most insane of this whole tour. We were very much taken aback by the response we received up there seeing as how we’ve only been up there once before and played in front of maybe 90 kids in each of those areas. It was a crazy experience to say the least and incredibly humbling to be able to play a different country and be able to have a family already set up there. This is an extra thanks to you Canada, we appreciate you.

Next up was our descent down the eastern coast and the beginning of our final stretch of shows to finish up this tour. Dates included playing in Defeater’s home area in Worcester, MA and that place did not disappoint in the least bit. I wouldn’t have been angry if it would’ve been a bit warmer, but it’s winter, what do I know. Next we played at Best Buy Theater in Times Square in NYC. Saying that is still a little surreal and knowing that our bands’ names were plastered on a marquee shooting across all of times square is something I never thought I’d see. As much of a headache as New York can be for a touring band, this was actually one of the easiest trips I’ve ever experienced in my years of touring. And turned out to be a lot of fun.

This capped off the cold shows of this tour as we began to head south where we played Asheville, NC, Atlanta, GA and last nights show in Jacksonville, FL. Asheville was a lot of fun I don’t think I’ve ever been to that town and it was really calm and inviting. A nice reprieve from the craziness that was NYC. And what would one of my journals be without me talking about food (Yeah, I know I talked about Thanksgiving earlier but that’s different. Leave me alone). Asheville also provided us with the food heaven that is the glorious Cook Out. If you’ve never been I suggest you drive to southeastern United States and get you some. It’s a place riddled with deep fried glory accompanied by a large slate of different types of milkshakes and other goodness.

We were tired but there is sheer jubilation in our hearts at that very moment as we emptied our wallets and filled our hearts (stomachs). Atlanta followed suit with the past two weeks and compounded on top of them. I can really only speak for myself on this issue but Atlanta was one of the most emotional and intense shows I’ve ever played and definitely the most on this tour for me. Maybe it was the spirit of The Chariot roaming around the halls of The Masquerade (the venue we played). I don’t know exactly why, I can’t pinpoint it, but something more than a band playing and some kids watching was happening in that room and I felt it with every ounce of me. To go off a little from my normal talking points, that’s the reason we love to do this. We as a band get up there to let it all out. And to know that the crowd of people in front of you, who are just like you or me, are letting it all out on the same level you are, is just the most unreal experience. Emotion and passion is what drives us.

We have one more week left of this tour now. As much as my body and mind are both worn out, I can surely say I’ll miss this tour. It has brought out some of the best of people and I thank you for that. But we can wait for my heartfelt and touching goodbye for next week’s installment, assuming that I’ll write another one. But for now stay street.

I call this photo “Snot Rocket.” Shot by Brad Heaton www.BradHeaton.Net

POZ Road Blog: Beartooth (Update III)

I did a series of Road Blogs for Property Of Zack on our tour with August Burns Red, Bless The Fall, and Defeater. Here's the third installment:

Welcome back to the third installment of my weekly tour journal for Beartooth’s tour with August Burns Red, Blessthefall and Defeater. This week has been a tiring one for us all. I hope you like hearing about long, late night drives because this week was chocked full of them. We’ve managed to start the week in warm and sunny Los Angeles, CA to today in freezing and snowy Minneapolis, MN.

So this week started with two shows in the LA area. One in Santa Ana and one in the heart of Los Angeles itself. As a band we had only been to that area once before and it proved to be just as crazy as the last time. It’s nice to feel at home 2,300 miles away from your bed and LA is becoming that for us. So to you guys down there mad props, thanks! The coolest part about the LA shows for me was the one we played right across from the Staples Center. There was a Lakers game that night also so the area was insane. There was a whole ESPN broadcast set up and everything. Kobe said he was gonna come out to the show but who knows man, I guess he was busy. So our merch guy, Vassar, just hung out with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar all night. 

Next was San Francisco which is always a rad city to hang out in, and I have the added bonus of being a 49ers fan to make my visits there all that much cooler. After that started our trek across the majority of the United States. We went from San Fran all the way to SLC (granted we had an off day in between to drive some of the way). The drive was totally worth it too. It’s hard to say this to the fans in Pittsburgh on the second day of this tour but you guys were beat out for most insane show of the tour by the friends in Salt Lake. It was the first show of this tour without a barricade, which just made it so much fun for all of us. I know I can speak for all the guys in the band and say we had the times of our lives. Also sorry to whomever I hit in the head with the butt of my bass. Stage diving with an instrument can be rather difficult. We had ourselves a hell of a drive from there to Denver over night but it was totally worth it for views like these:

And if that drive wasn’t enough we then trucked through an 11 hour one to Des Moines, IA and ended up getting there about an hour before doors. Loaded-in, busted out a sound check and were done in time to actually relax for a second. Des Moines has been one of my favorite days of tour so far. Beyond the stress of trying to make it to the show on time, the city is really awesome and the kids that came to the show were even better. We did get our fat on again at a place around the corner from the venue called Zombie Burger. Three words: Chicken Fried Bacon. All these food places are going to make me 10 times poorer than I already am. 

Remember when I said I would pepper in a pic of Caleb’s toenail that fell off? No? First time reading one of these? Well if you were getting hungry from me talking about food I’m sure I’ve quelled that urging now.

But anyways Des Moines was a lot of fun and now we’re in Minneapolis waiting for tonight’s show. It feels mighty good to be back in the Midwest, snow and all. Until next week!

POZ Road Blog: Beartooth (Update II)

I did a series of Road Blogs for Property Of Zack on our tour with August Burns Red, Bless The Fall, and Defeater. Here's the second installment:

Hey guys back again with another rambling update from our tour with August Burns Red, Blessthefall, and Defeater!

This week has been a weird one for sure. From big to small shows, and birthdays and injured toes. I’m a damn lyricist and you guys had no idea. A lot happened so this might be a lengthy one. But there will be a bunch of photos so you won’t get bored. Or you can just look at those and make up your own story for our past week.

But on the real this week has been insane. We played our first House of Blues date of the tour in Dallas and it was…. well, weird. It was insanely fun don’t get me wrong. The show was incredible and the crowd was gnarly, it was a blast. It was just the most surreal experience for me. Going from playing my first live show ever in January this year, and doing a house show tour to playing at a House of Blues 1,000 miles away from home. And people actually going to watch us specifically. Like I said, surreal.

This was also the show where Caleb’s toenail fell off. Let me retrace a few steps here. I believe it was the first day of tour when Caleb encountered a freak accident where he slammed our trailer door on top of his big toe. After much picking and poking over the next week or so the nail had left this world and moved on to the next and it came off right before we played. I’ll save you the gut-wrenching photo because we do have them. Maybe I’ll pepper it into a later update. This was also the day that we met some nice people who came to the Houston show and brought us a lemur to kick it with before we played. You know like King Julien from Madagascar? Still nothing? Okay here:

Isn’t she adorable? It was a very welcomed pick-me-up for the whole tour package.

We also played in a small room in Austin, TX with our buds in Defeater. It was one of the “Nites” for Fun Fun Fun Fest happening that weekend; basically an after party show. We played after Slayer so you could say we’re just as important or something like that. The show was a blast and at midnight it became our drummer Brandon’s birthday so he pampered himself with this heart attack of a burger from a food truck called Gordough’s around the corner from the venue.

 

That’s a burger with bacon, egg, cheese, cilantro, and guacamole all on a bun made of two donuts. I was literal heaven in food form. But that didn’t end the birthday celebrations. We had an off-day the following day and we drove to El Paso and hit up the quality establishment known as Hometown Buffet. We made a new friend that I’ve come to know as Gary:

And the whole crazy week came to a climatic peak when we had the incredible privilege of catching the last of Blink-182’s string of 10^th Anniversary “Untitled” shows at the Wiltern in Los Angeles. We’re all little fan girls for that band; it playing such a huge part in all of our adolescent musical minds. I remember being nine years old and talking my mom into buying me Enema of the State and having my life changed. It was an epic night to say the least.

Now we start our string of California shows that should give me some more material for this next week but I’ll let you know all about that then. Until then, stay street.

POZ Road Blog: Beartooth (Update I)

I did a series of Road Blogs for Property Of Zack on our tour with August Burns Red, Bless The Fall, and Defeater. Here's the first installment: 

Most of you guys probably have no idea who I am, and have only heard a few things here and there about my band. I’m usually fine being the guy behind the scenes that just does his own thing. But when I was asked to write up a tour journal for POZ I was all over it because I see myself as a modern day Dav Pilkey (look it up you might get the joke). But enough about that, I’ll go into this week’s update.

For being a relatively new band playing out at shows we didn’t know what to fully expect before we started this full national tour with August Burns Red, Blessthefall, and Defeater. But what we ended up getting was the most high flying and intense shows I think I’ve ever even been to. And when I say high flying I really mean it. Since it’s a bigger tour we’ve been battling barricades the whole time. So instead of the normal crowd participation of stage diving we’ve taken it under our responsibility to learn how to fly. Whether it’s off of bars, kick drums, or even the PA speakers. And I think only one of us has hit the ground so far, so that’s a positive. 

Pittsburgh was insane:

Stole this from @bigprox_7’s instagram

Also check this video from our hometown friend @slaughterstatus:

http://instagram.com/p/gTyfdQksEh/

I feel like every band just showed up and were already best friends. Granted I think this is the 100^th or 101^st tour ABR and BTF have done together but that’s beside the point. We were all joking around and throwing stuff at the bands while they were playing on the second day. It’s rad to find the chemistry so quick.

As for day-to-day for the band it’s been pretty routine so far. Wake up get to the venue. I find myself coffee or some crappy diner to eat at, while the other guys sleep forever. I get back and then we’ve started playing soccer in the venues and/or parking lots. I put on a little clinic and show everyone how its done score a few bicycle kick goals. Crowd goes wild. The usual.

On a more sensitive note, we really are incredibly grateful to be able to be out here on this tour. We are entirely humbled to have even been asked to participate. It’s unbelievable that we’re able to travel around this whole nation (and hopefully soon globe) and do what we love. This first week of this tour has been so eye opening for us all. To be with bands that have been doing this for so long and have done it successfully we have picked up a bunch of different tips that might help us hold onto some longevity. I can only hope that it continues. 

Now come out and watch us hurt ourselves some more.